Good evening race fans, this is Harry Gearjammer bringing you the race results for the 2011 Scale Auto Cannonball Run. As you know we had a great field of drivers this year, fifteen of the most feared racers ever to strap into a driver's seat. Most of them have been banned from race tracks all across the country, and three have open warrants in several states.
They departed the parking lot where the old Shea Stadium used to stand in Queens, New York at midnight on December second. That is all except driver for team Fiat This, Jonnogtv, who was caught exiting a nearby sandwich shop as the field roared off, heading for the bridge. He was quoted as saying, "#$@&%!!, my watch is still on central time!"
We lost the first of our drivers as the field exited Pennsylvania. The driver, Zenrat for Blue Whale Motorsports, lost control of his '77 Chevy Van at the US80/US79 junction, while passing a school bus full of nuns. The resulting explosion shattered windows for a five mile radius and knocked out power to three counties. Time and date for funeral services will be announced. And the nuns are fine.
Competition was fierce between our two Mustang drivers who battled it out for miles through the length of Illinois. At some point they swapped some serious paint on I80 near Joliet and both cars spun out into the median. Then both AceMotorsport and CrazyHorse exited their vehicles and proceeded to settle the issue like men. They will both be arraigned on Tuesday, we wish them luck.
Next to leave the field was the driver for the Watch This! Speed Shop, Jantrix in his svelte Studebaker. Sources say that a poorly welded flaw in the oil pan of his Chevrolet engine resulted in a catastrophic loss of oil pressure and near immediate seizing of his engine at 85 mph. Our travelling reporter decided not to interview the raving driver following the incident.
The racing got intense in Iowa as we had a four way battle between Alex_Bman33, BKCustoms, Hvymtl74, and MLMDesign that got seriously out of control. Alex's blown Nova got seriously squirrelly coming around a bend, cut off BK's Camaro, sending him into a skid. He crossed the median, cutting off Hvymtl74 who was inexplicably going the wrong way. Hvy, trying to regain control, crossed the median striking MLM's Charger who had been trying dodge the spinning Nova from OutaRmind Motorsports. All four vehicles were damaged beyond repair. After making bail the four drivers were seen entering a pub in Davenport, and at the time of this report are still there.
As the remaining racers entered Nebraska, there was a great stretch of billboards that said "WE BARE ALL!" alongside the highway. The driver for Victoria's Secret Speed Shop, Slantasaurus, exited the freeway immediately and hasn't been seen since.
The proud city of Denver spelled doom for two more of our drivers as 001Slick001 and TFChronos ran afoul of some post-game Denver Broncos traffic. Some heated words were exchanged between the drivers and the fans and things got ugly. The word from Denver General Hospital is that both drivers are expected to recover. Get well soon boys!
We need to report the disqualification of our favorite Kiwi driver, NewZealand who stopped for gas in Las Vegas near the Mirage Hotel and Casino. Our latest report is that he met a gal at the station; hit it big at the roulette tables and that night the two of them were married by an Elvis impersonator. Welcome to America NZ!
In an unusual turn of events, A.R.C.'s fearsome '62 Bel Air was sidelined from the race just across the California border when inexplicably all four wheels were flattened at a highway rest stop. On a curious note though, two priests in a red Ferrari were seen leaving the rest stop soon after.
Lunajammer and his crazy VW drove into California with nothing but open road in front of him and no one behind him. The driving was outa sight and it got even better when the California Highway Patrol got involved. The chase went on for miles and at some point left the freeway as the driver decided to try to lose the police in the Mojave National Preserve. Teams are still searching for the missing vehicle. We are hoping the driver had plenty of water.
Four days later the remaining driver, Jonnogtv and his trusty Fiat crossed the finish line victorious!
HAIL THE WINNER OF THE 2011 CANNONBALL RUN! JONNOGTV!!!!
Source: http://cs.scaleautomag.com/SCACS/forums/thread/989646.aspx
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